


oh captain, my dear captain

by angel_at_the_door



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Study, Civil War (Marvel), Identity Issues, Stream of Consciousness, Stucky if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-21
Updated: 2017-04-21
Packaged: 2018-10-21 11:46:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10684647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angel_at_the_door/pseuds/angel_at_the_door
Summary: The universe sings the song of Steve Rogers, the man who became a god





	oh captain, my dear captain

 

_I'm only human after all_

  
_Don't put the blame on me_

  
_I'm only human, I do what I can_

  
_I'm just a man, I do what I can_

  
_Don't put the blame on me_

  
_Don't put your blame on me_

 

\--

 

This is what it is to be human: you live and learn and love and burn. Oh, how you burn.

 

\--

 

They do no say _thank you bless you how can we ever repay you_. There is no reward for saving the world.

The world takes and takes and takes until you have nothing left to give. It is hunger. It is wild. It will rip you in pieces with a gentle hand and whispered words of comfort. The only constant is that it consumes those who love it, who protect it, who avenge it. It eats them into nothing and licks the skeleton clean.

Good or evil, right or wrong, they are all consumed in the end. It is the way of the world.

 

\--

 

This is what it is to be Steve Rogers: you are trapped.

You do not want to be trapped. You are a soldier, a hero, champion of the lesser.

You are loved by all.

( _god’s righteous man_ , they call you. _you were chosen you call the shots tell us teach us. hold the world on your shoulders._ )

(You are human. You are flesh and bone. To them, you are a god.)

(You are not a god. You do not want these titles. You have no choice. The world names you captain and some sliver of you knows this is a trap but -)

(People tell themselves the stories they want to hear.)

(You are Steve Rogers. You are loved.)

(This is what it is to be Steve Rogers: you cannot _breathe_ from the weight of the world. You are bloody and bruised and you burn and burn and burn.)

 

\--

 

Since he awoke in this new world, no one has looked Steve Rogers in the eye. They see the shield, the star, his face.

They do not look him in the eye.

They see Captain America, the man with the blue eyes that will bring peace to the world. They see the soldier.

They do not see Steve Rogers. He tells himself it's easier this way, and so he gets used to it.

He saves New York as Captain America, finds a team as Captain America, but no one _sees_ him. 

(There was once a boy named Steve, sharp and ferocious, mauled by hunger and disease. He didn't like bullies.)

(He gets his teeth knocked out, little white pears dropping onto the grimy alleyway.)

(Bucky gets there in time, this time, and there's blood splattering and bruises blooming and Steve bites the boy's ear until red fills his mouth.)

_"I had him on the ropes."_

(Bucky didn't save him from that boy. Bucky stopped him.)

_"I know you did."_

(Steve had been aiming for his throat.)

 

\--

 

That boy is buried deep, deep, deep because this world wants Captain America and that is who they will see.

 

\--

 

New York burns. 

They save the day, save the city from utter destruction, but the cost is bodies buried under skyscrapers and a sky full of smoke.

_They have not learned_ , he thinks.  _The world has not learned from their mistakes._

(Once there was a council. They were the wisest of the world and were chosen to keep the people safe.)

(One day, they heard of a horrifying monster destroying cities, so they decided to set a fire to destroy the monster.)

(The fire ate up the monster and the city and the people. They begged it to stop, to go away, but the fire refused. _I like it here_ , it said, _I will not leave_ , and so it burned the world to the ground.)

(Steve Rogers has seen these fires.)

(He knows when one is about to be lit.)

 

\--

 

Sokovia burns.

Ultron preaches about his strings - _there are no strings on me_ \- and Tony preaches about a world free from destruction. No one else sees that these are one and the same. 

( _Isn't that why we fight? So we can end the fight and go home?_ )

(That's what the stories say.)

(The stories always leave out the truth.)

(There is no end.)

 

\--

 

Lagos burns.

They were chasing Crossbones, he and Sam and Nat and Wanda. They do not know that Crossbones has found them, has played them into his trap.

The biochemical weapon would kill hundreds and incapacitate thousands if they let it out of their sight.

(They don't lose the weapon.)

(That doesn't stop the bomb.)

 

\--

 

"It's my fault." Wanda murmurs, her eyes burning as red as her magic.

"No, it's not."

(This is what it is to be a god: you take the blame.)

 

\--

 

There is another bomb in Vienna but this time it's different because the news is saying it was Bucky, Bucky, James Barnes, _Bucky_.

Steve has been searching for him, begging and praying for his best friend to be safe. _please buck, please be okay, I can't lose you again I can't I can't._

(Once there was a man named Steve Rogers and he watched his best friend fall.)

(There was no body to be found, no blood in the snow, just a silent scream and the fury of the winter air.)

(Steve Rogers collapses. He _wails_.)

(Did you think he would be silent, with a single tear and a silent farewell? This is Steve Rogers. He loves with his whole being and it wasn't enough, it was never enough and he _howls_.)

 

\--

 

This is what it is to love: you lose everything.

 

\--

 

_longing_

 

(no)

 

_rusted_

 

(stop)

 

_seventeen_

 

( **stop** )

 

_daybreak_

 

_furnace_

 

_nine_

 

_benign_

 

_homecoming_

 

_one_

 

_freight car_

 

\--

 

soldier?

 

\--

 

ready to comply

 

\--

 

They fight. Germany, the airport. His team is split in two.

Here is how Steve knows they don't see him: they think he will be willing to give up something without a fight. Captain America would compromise, Captain America would keep his team together.

Captain America is golden, untouchable, a god. 

Steve Rogers is a _man_ , and that makes all the difference. 

 

\--

 

_"I'm trying to keep you from tearing the Avengers apart."_

This is what it is to be Tony Stark: you cannot trust yourself to make the right call. You cannot build a perfect world. You need to be limited, to be put in check.

_"You did that when you signed."_

This is what it is to be Steve Rogers: you cannot trust anyone but yourself. You know what cause to fight for and when. You are a soldier and you will fight for what is yours. 

 

\--

 

"That shield doesn't belong to you. You don't deserve it."

(Here is a secret: Steve Rogers is not a god.)

(He is loved and praised and worshiped but he is not a god.)

(The shield falls to the ground.)

 

\--

 

This is what it is to be Steve Rogers: you will summon a fire and burn the world to the ground to fight for what you think is right. You are born of war and fire and

you

will

burn. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> What do you think?


End file.
